Have you ever gone home for the holidays and felt like a little kid around your own family? Or have you ever felt like you’re one person around the people in your current life but someone else when you go home for the holidays? If so, this may speak to experiencing themes of regressing during the holidays, a complex dynamic where we return to “old roles” or “old patterns” in certain relationships. Regression is a common defense mechanism, but it can feel uncomfortable and confusing, especially if you’re not aware of how or why it’s happening. Although this may feel strange, it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong or bad. However, it can be helpful to understand why this phenomenon happens and what you can do when you notice yourself experiencing it.
Why Does Regressing During the Holidays Happen?
For most people, family is a complicated and nuanced topic. For example, you may have mixed feelings about your emotionally-immature parents, and mother or father, and you might struggle to know how to genuinely connect with certain siblings or relatives. This confusion doesn’t mean you don’t love your family- instead, it may speak more to themes of differentiation or having new priorities as an adult. The general concept of regression refers to reverting to earlier ways of acting, thinking, or relating to people. One of the main signs of regression is feeling like you’re younger than your actual age. Regression tends to be unconscious and involuntary, and it’s often evoked by stress or difficult relational dynamics. Regression comes in many forms, but around the holiday season, it may look like:
- seeking approval from your parents or other family members
- sulking or complaining if something doesn’t go according to plan
- engaging in sibling rivalry
- using old self-soothing behaviors that you once relied on as a child
- feeling like your emotions are disproportionate to your actual needs or circumstances
- displaying childlike body movements (curling up in the fetal position, whining, using a baby voice, feeling like you’re having a tantrum, or pacing back and forth.
- engaging in seemingly impulsive knee-jerk reactions to strong emotions
Regressing during the holidays can happen for various reasons, including:
- Unresolved trauma: Many people with complex trauma histories resonate with themes of regression, especially if the trauma occurred within the family of origin. Your subconscious may be reverting to younger ages as a form of self-protection or to reenact familiar parts of your past.
- Familiar roles: Whether you realize it or not, you may embody a certain role around your family. This is often true for all family members. For example, the older sister may be the “mature one.” Your younger brother may be the “silly one.” And you may be the one who “keeps the peace.” Even if you want to change that role (or already have), people
- Familiar environments that trigger uncomfortable emotions: Our environment affects our mental health, and being in the same home associated with core childhood memories can trigger childlike behavior. Your nervous system stores stressful experiences, so if home was a stressful place growing up, your body may be responding to that without you even consciously realizing it.
- Breaking generational cycles: There are so many good reasons to be a cycle-breaker, especially in unhealthy family dynamics. However, changing intergenerational patterns often entails a sense of internal and external upheaval. Regression can happen during this process, and it can also happen long after you’ve made certain changes.
How to Cope With Regression In The Moment
- Anticipate potential regression in advance: Sometimes it’s helpful for people to expect that some age regression might happen when they return home for the holidays or spend time around difficult family members. Knowing this advance can help you prepare and take a more active role in discerning what you need to take care of yourself.
- Label what’s happening: Acknowledge regression when you notice it. Note whatever feelings arise without judgment. This can help neutralize the symptoms and remind you that you’re simply engaging in a familiar coping mechanism to manage a certain situation. This helps support emotional regulation.
- Practice self-compassion: Try to be kind to yourself if you’re experiencing holiday regression. It’s common for people to have this defense mechanism, and most people relate to it in some form. Remind yourself that you’re only human and that relationships (and growing up!) are complex processes.
- Practice a grounding affirmation: It may be helpful to take a deep breath and simply tell yourself, I am safe, and I am capable of feeling uncomfortable emotions when you notice childlike behavior or thoughts emerge. This helps you separate your current present self from the past. You can also remind yourself, I’m an adult. I have my own life and can make my own decisions when you feel like you’re at the mercy of other people or their needs.
- Identify positive coping strategies: Think about what you can do to manage stressful situations in advance. Coping doesn’t need to be complicated to be effective- it can simply be deliberately engaging in self-care. Think about what you need to do to make yourself feel physically and emotionally stable. Even adhering to a basic routine can keep you grounded in your ‘adult self.’
- Be mindful of altering your consciousness: Substance use may provide temporary relief- and is often normalized during the holidays- but disconnecting from yourself may exacerbate regressive behavior. Drugs and alcohol inherently lower your inhibition, making it harder to be intentional with your choices and regulate your emotions.
- Set boundaries as needed: Sometimes regression is heightened when you feel like your needs aren’t respected. If that’s the case, consider which limits you need to set for yourself. This may mean avoiding specific types of conversations with certain people or staying in a hotel if you know sleeping at your family’s home feels too stressful.
Therapy for Emotional Regulation and Complex Family Dynamics in Seattle, WA
Regressing during the holidays- or regression that comes with dissociation or other serious side effects- may indicate other mental health concerns. Likewise, if you have complex trauma, you might feel stuck at younger ages, and this can feel especially magnified around triggering family members. As a trauma therapist, I am dedicated to helping clients with trauma, anxiety, and depression feel better about themselves and enjoy more meaningful lives. I engage in a variety of modalities, including EMDR, internal family systems (IFS), and somatic therapies to support holistic wellness. I offer convenient online therapy services for adults throughout Washington State. If you think we might be a good fit for one another, please contact me today.
