Do you find the holidays to be more exhausting than joyful? More dreadful than connecting? Does dealing with difficult family members during the holidays make you want to skip out on this time of year altogether?
If so, you’re certainly not alone. A recent study found that 63% of people cited the holiday season to be more stressful than tax season, and half of Americans report it takes several weeks for their stress levels to go back “down to normal.”
Challenging family dynamics are one of the main reasons people struggle during this time of year, and contentious relationships can unquestionably affect your mental health. Some people opt to avoid family altogether. This is entirely valid, especially if time with family always coincides with heightened stress and negative feelings.
Others, however, want strategies for managing their family while also staying emotionally regulated. If this is the case for you, let’s get into some supportive reminders for managing difficult family members during the holidays.
Prepare for Triggers Associated With Difficult Family Members During the Holidays
What triggers you during the holidays? Maybe it’s a specific person, like an emotionally-immature parent or a relative with clashing political views. Maybe it’s a more abstract difficulty, like sitting at a family dinner and hearing everyone interrupt one another.
Either way, anticipating triggers allows you to decide ahead for managing them. Preparation doesn’t prevent the trigger from happening (or mitigate you from having your emotions), but it can offer space for thinking about what you need to do when you find yourself feeling stressed or dysregulated.
Consider writing down your main triggers and identifying a few reasonable coping strategies that may help you stay calm. These may include:
- basic grounding exercises, such as scanning the room for five things you can see, four you can feel, three you can hear, two you can feel, and one you can taste
- taking breaks and texting supportive friends
- having a ‘safe word’ with your partner that signals you feel overwhelmed and need help
- being mindful of your alcohol intake if alcohol enhances negative thoughts for you
Set Realistic Expectations for Yourself
Unfortunately, the media continues to perpetuate this time of year as a time of joy, connection, and meaningful quality time with family. For many people, these cliches just don’t apply. However, if you keep holding yourself to these expectations, you may find yourself feeling more and more disappointed.
Although you’re entitled to your emotions, it may be helpful to simply remind yourself that your family members may not change- no matter how much their behaviors or thoughts frustrate you. In fact, trying to change them may actually cause more tension. It can also exacerbate inner feelings of resentment or animosity.
Instead, try to focus on what you can control as you navigate holiday gatherings. You’re in charge of your own reactions, responses, and how you set boundaries. You’re also in charge of how much time you spend at each family event and how much you interact or engage with others.
Mind Your Values and Protect Them Well
You’re allowed to know and honor your needs, regardless of the time of year or people around you. This may be helpful if you experience feeling scapegoated or often find yourself people-pleasing others to avoid conflict.
Think about the values that feel most important to you. If certain family members can’t respect them, you may need to reevaluate your boundaries. You can start by mapping out which topics are off-limits for you. You don’t have to engage in a particular conversation if it causes more internal upheaval.
Keep in mind that healthy boundaries are both clear and concise. You might say:
- “I won’t be talking about that particular topic today.”
- “We can agree to disagree. I won’t be discussing this further.”
- “I am going to step away and take a break.”
Certain family members may push back on your boundaries. This can be challenging. However, you still have the right to enforce your limits even if others struggle with them. That’s more of a reflection of their emotional threshold than yours.
Plan for a Reasonable Exit Strategy
Sometimes self-care comes in the form of knowing when to leave a situation. For example, if a particular family gathering becomes overly stressful, it may be time to head out.
Think about which internal signals note the need to change your physical environment. If you can’t physically leave, consider some self-care strategies that may be supportive. This may mean texting a friend who understands your needs, going into the bathroom to take a few deep breaths alone, or internally grounding yourself with positive affirmations.
Disengage Emotionally and Compassionately
It may be unrealistic (or not desired) to skip out on family gatherings, even if you know family drama may be present. When this is the case, consider how you can ground yourself with compassion.
First, start with self-compassion. It’s very normal for people to revert to old versions of themselves when spending time with triggering or difficult people. If you find yourself engaging in people-pleasing patterns or arguing for the sake of arguing, try to anchor yourself with self-kindness. This can sound like, I’m doing my best despite a difficult situation. Or, I don’t need to manage this perfectly. I’m going to get through this regardless.
Then, consider how you can implement compassionate disengagement from others. For example, you might say, This person is probably hurting and taking it on me. I don’t have to carry it. This isn’t about exempting problematic behavior- it’s about releasing you from holding the burden of it.
Therapy for Stressful Family Dynamics and Holiday Stress in Washington State
The holidays can feel overwhelming for anyone, but those with stressful family dynamics or mental health issues may find this time of year particularly precarious. Therapy offers emotional support, regulation, and compassion as you navigate the next few months.
I value being a safe person where you can show up exactly as you are- all your feelings, needs, and values are respected. Although the holidays may never feel like the most wonderful time of year, you can get to a place where you can manage stress, practice self-care, and honor your well-being regardless of what’s happening with your family.
I offer convenient virtual therapy services for adults residing throughout Washington State. I specialize in depression, anxiety, complex trauma, and navigating difficult life circumstances. I also specialize in helping clients within the LGBTQIA+ community. If you’re considering therapy, I’d be honored to support you. Please contact me today to schedule an initial consultation.
