The relationship between shame and the fear of getting into trouble is deeply complex and can be difficult to work through. If you resonate with having shame, you may hold onto an underlying belief that something is profoundly wrong with you. Furthermore, the idea of others knowing about this thing may feel so threatening that you hide or lie to protect yourself.
Understanding How Shame Works
We experience shame when we feel we have done something that contradicts our personal or moral standards. A key difference between guilt and shame is that guilt might say, I did something bad, whereas shame might say, I am bad.
Core shame (sometimes known as toxic shame) refers to high levels of underlying shame that often perpetuates low self-esteem. If you have this type of shame, you may relate to:
- having constant negative self-talk that diminishes your self-worth
- assuming most people either don’t like you or would reject you if they truly knew you
- avoiding emotional vulnerability because you fear getting hurt
- engaging in compulsive or self-destructive behaviors
- feeling responsible for past traumas that occurred to you
- having deeply negative beliefs about yourself and your identity at large
- having poor mental health that affects your relationships or overall functioning
- feeling stuck in life because you don’t believe in your worth
Shame and Getting Into Trouble: What’s the Connection?
Many people with shame have a deep fear that they’re going to “get caught” or “be found out.” These fears often become more intensified after making a mistake or experiencing some kind of emotional setback.
Historical evidence of ‘getting into trouble’: Traumatic experiences can certainly reinforce shame-based messaging, especially if you did get into trouble when you were being honest. For instance, if your parents were overly critical or your truths were met with anger, you may have internalized the need to mask yourself for self-protection.
Fear of rejection: Maybe you want to be more open about who you are or you want to be honest after making a mistake. However, if you experience high levels of shame, you may feel paralyzed by the fear of rejection. There’s often a deeply-held belief that even your closest loved ones can’t or won’t accept you if they know who you really are. This can perpetuate patterns of deceit, withdrawal, and stunted emotional connection, and all of these can actually intensify how you feel shame.
Self-perceived judgment: We often hold ourselves to much higher standards than we do for others. Therefore, if you make a mistake, you might be quick to call yourself stupid or label yourself as a complete failure. This reinforces the notion of “getting into trouble,” even if that form of punishment is self-induced.
Actual consequences associated with certain behaviors: It’s no secret that some behaviors and ‘ways of being’ legitimately are punished or ostracized in everyday life. Therefore, you just may not feel safe fully expressing yourself in the world. If you sense that society won’t accept you for who you are, it may just feel easier to hold onto the pain attached to your shame than absorb the risk of being harmed.
Working Through Your Fears of Getting Into Trouble
Shame can be so very powerful. Although working through it is complicated, healing tends to be equally rewarding. Learning how to show up as your authentic self- even if that means experiencing some intense emotions- is generally worth the discomfort. Most people find that they feel much lighter in their minds and bodies when they can be affirmed in their truths.
Building your capacity for distress: Even naming shame often triggers a sense of anxiety. Therefore, it’s important to strengthen your tolerance for emotional discomfort. You can do this by implementing more mindfulness for the present moment and “sitting with feelings” on a regular basis. Therapy can also help you identify tools for distress tolerance.
Play out the fear of getting into trouble: Sometimes it’s helpful to truly imagine the worst-case scenario. What would happen if someone really rejected you if they actually knew you? Yes, it would hurt, but what would you do next? You might realize that you deserve safe, compassionate people who can give you grace during life’s toughest moments. You may also realize that it may be time to reevaluate your current support system.
Prioritize more self-compassion: Self-compassion can be the greatest remedy for shame. When you treat yourself with patience and kindness, you support regulating your nervous system. This can help you break through chronic patterns of living in a constant fight-or-flight response. Self-compassion slows things down, allowing you to respond to difficult emotions more gently.
Treat the underlying causes of your shame: Shame and the fear of getting in trouble are both common childhood trauma responses. If you chronically “feel bad” about yourself, it may be virtuous to explore the origins of that feeling. For example, how did your parents respond when you succeeded or when you struggled? What helped you feel safe when you were having big emotions? Did people contribute to making you feel ashamed when you needed support or connection? Reflecting on these questions can offer crucial insights. Moreover, therapy can offer a nurturing perspective to help you break through the various patterns reinforcing shame.
Therapy for Shame and the Fear of Getting Into Trouble in Seattle, Washington
Shame and the fear of getting into trouble may exacerbate all kinds of mental health struggles, including depression, PTSD, anxiety, dissociation, and more. Therapy isn’t just about self-improvement; it’s also about learning how to embrace the authentic person that you genuinely are. Sometimes it’s also about making amends with all versions and all parts of yourself.
I would be honored to help you on your journey toward greater self-discovery. Throughout our time together, we will focus on unpacking your struggles, fears, needs, and desires. This can help reduce the amount of shame you feel, allowing you to feel more empowered and regulated as you move through life.
I offer online therapy for adults throughout Washington. Please contact me today to schedule an initial consultation.
