When a loved one is struggling, it’s natural to want to be helpful. You don’t want to see someone you care about in pain, and you don’t want to do the wrong thing.
During a hard time, it’s common to say, Let me know if you need anything! This phrase comes with the best intentions. However, it doesn’t necessarily attune well to the specific situation. During dire times, people don’t always know what they need, and there may be fears or discomfort associated with delegating certain tasks.
Furthermore, people often think supporting someone through a hard time means having the right words or effective solutions. But, in many cases, when circumstances are really tough, there aren’t ideal words or solutions. This is where having a steady presence and deep compassion matter the most. Here are some ways you can show up kindly and respectfully.
Do Not Just Say “Let Me Know If You Need Anything”
While it comes from a place of goodwill, saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” often leaves the person you’re trying to support in a tough spot. When someone is grieving or overwhelmed, it sometimes feels difficult to identify exactly what they need or to ask for help at all. Open-ended questions may feel too vague and unintentionally put even more burden on them.
Instead, aim to be proactive and intentional. Offer specific ways you can help, whether it’s picking up groceries, walking their dog, cooking a meal, or simply sitting with them for a few quiet minutes. These concrete suggestions remove the guesswork and show that you are truly present and attentive to their needs.
Do Listen More Than You Speak
People often underestimate the power of listening, particularly when supporting someone through a hard time. But letting your loved one share their feelings at their own pace honors their autonomy and shows that you have patience and respect for their process.
Listening also helps you better understand what someone actually needs. The most important thing is focusing on being fully present. Pay attention to both their words and nonverbal cues. Focus less on what you need to say next and more on just being in the moment with the other person.
Do Follow Up Regularly
Other friends and family members may stay well-connected during the acute stages of a crisis. Unfortunately, people tend to fall off with support in the weeks or months just after. There’s a societal assumption that we start healing and moving on relatively quickly.
Healing doesn’t adhere to a timeline, and progress does not follow a linear path. Grief and stress may even deepen after the initial wave of attention fades. Checking in regularly shows that your care isn’t conditional or fleeting.
You don’t need to worry about sending the most profound words. Simple texts like “I’m thinking of you,” or “How are you holding up today?” show that you’re here. Consistent touchpoints remind someone that they’re remembered and supported.
Do Not Jump Into Optimism
Even if you feel optimistic about the situation, that doesn’t mean the other person feels hopeful right now. When someone is going through a difficult time, the pressure to “stay positive” can exacerbate frustration. People need to feel supported in their experiences rather than told how to feel. It’s better to trust that they can and will find the glimmers (in their own time) rather than you try to rush them toward hope before they feel ready.
It’s always better to meet someone where they are. This means saying things like, “It makes sense to feel scared right now,” instead of, “It will all work out.” Validating emotions in the here and now creates space for real connection and authenticity. Subsequently, people actually tend to harness more hope when they feel seen rather than told what to do.
Do Send an Attuned Care Package
As mentioned, people have great intentions when they say, Let me know how I can help! But when someone is going through a hard time, they may not be able to truly identify the help they need.
Instead of waiting for them to tell you what’s needed, take the initiative to offer something specific and thoughtful. Attuned care packages can include comforting things like soft blankets, candles, meals, or a collection of teas. Even a handwritten card can be incredibly kind.
What matters most here is that your gesture feels personal and attuned to their emotional world. The tangible gift communicates the powerful words, I’m here for you, I see you, and you matter to me.
Do Not Center the Conversation on Solutions
Quick fixes may feel helpful, but jumping straight into action mode can make someone feel unseen. Instead of defaulting to advice, consider that your loved one has probably already considered most of the general guidelines. There’s a good chance they just need time to talk and be witnessed in their feelings.
Solutions focus on “fixing” a situation. However, most complex situations or mental health challenges can’t be easily fixed. Trying to fix them can unintentionally communicate that pain is a bad problem to be solved rather than an experience to be honored.
Remember that sometimes the most comforting thing we can offer another person is presence. Presence is deliberate, and it means sitting with someone in their discomfort and seeing them amid all their feelings, needs, ideas, and circumstances.
Do Not Make It About Your Own Experiences
We’re often tempted to compare stories, especially during a tough time. It’s natural to want to convey that you get it to demonstrate your empathy. But even though you may think you get it, that doesn’t mean you do. Your life experiences aren’t the same as their life experiences, and now is the time to focus on their feelings and needs.
While it can be comforting to find shared ground, comparisons subtly shift the attention away from the other person and onto you. Just try to stay curious about their unique experience. Saying something as simple as, That sounds really hard. What has this been like for you?” keeps the focus on their story and words, helping them feel seen in the present moment.
If your loved one does ask about your experiences, it’s okay to share. Just try to keep it intentional and brief. Focus on what’s relevant and anchoring. This might sound like, “I also remember it feeling really heavy,” or, “It was really helpful to have my best friend go to the hospital with me.”
Grief and Loss Support in Seattle, WA
Whether you’re supporting someone through a hard time or you’re the one experiencing a hard time right now, therapy can make a huge difference in feeling grounded and regulated. We all go through hard moments, but it can be so comforting to have a safe environment to process your needs and feelings.
I specialize in helping adults navigate depression, anxiety, grief and loss, trauma, and other complex mental health issues. My practice emphasizes authenticity and self-acceptance. No matter how disconnected or intellectual you might feel, my overarching goal is to help you feel more aligned with your true self.
You deserve to feel seen and supported. Please contact me today to schedule an initial consultation.
